January 7, 2011

Friday . . . it’s about 5:30 a.m.  My eyes are heavy but I still have not slept.  I say some prayers and drift into a half asleep state.   Suddenly I have a vision  . . . I see the figure of what looks like Alex about 20 feet or so from me.  I do not recognize where I am but I look and I say, “Alex, is that you, Alex?”  The silhouetted figure is looking directly at me and suddenly becomes bright as light and I can barely see dots where his eyes, nose and mouth would be.  He realizes that I cannot recognize him and dims his energy and I see my son.  It’s Alex!  The next thing I know we are holding each other and I say, "I love you!" and he says. "I love you" back.  I hold his face in my hands and I ask, “What’s it like?”   He looks at me with such love, honesty and amazement.  He smiles and says, “It’s beautiful!”  We hug again and I ask him, “What happened?”  He mumbles something.  I cannot understand what he says and I ask him to repeat it.  This time I turn my face to try and read his lips as he speaks.  I only hear mumbling once again and ask him to repeat it once more.  He says he has to go and begins to move away and goes down some stairs.  I’m trying to hold on to him . . . I don’t want to let go.  I say to him, "don’t go, don’t go, I love you!"  And then he’s gone. 

I wake up talking in my sleep and wake Jeff and tell him that Alex has finally appeared to me.  I am so grateful for this that I cry while Jeff holds me.   I will always treasure this moment and yearn for more.

I have trouble eating breakfast . . . again, with my thoughts of, “if Alex can’t eat why am I?”   Jeff reminds me that I have 3 other children who love me and that I need to keep up my strength for all the family and friends still here.  I try to eat a little knowing he’s right.

The rest of the day I slowly worked on a few more thank you cards.  So much crying.

The girlfriend sends me a text message:

“Hey, kevin, its [girlfriend]. I was just wanting you to bring a flower arrangement/plant (the john deer with tracker in it from duffs bar) that was meant for me,bring tomorrow along with a few cards that were meant for me at the wake. Thank would be great thank you.”

I send her a message back:

“Which cards?” 

(I had not seen any cards for her in what we received but I did notice some of our cards missing.)

Her text back:

"From my boss and wellsfargo, and marcus, and miller (zetwicks)"

I text her again:

“Who is your boss?”

Her text reply:

“Barb bob taylor Dalton are all going to be in the card or cards from my boss, my aunt kim and rodger, andy and lindsney are from wellsfargo!”

I do not send another response.  I go through every card and plant more than three times.  There is nothing from any of the people she has asked about but I know she will not believe me no matter what.