It's Sunday. I couldn't sleep but just stayed in bed. I desperately wanted to sleep hoping I would see Alexander in a vision but to no avail. Jeff got up to get ready for church so I got up too, totally drained physically and emotionally. I barely remember showering and getting dressed. The next thing I know I'm lying on the closet floor and Jeff is there asking if I'm alright and very shaken. I can't stop crying and I desperately want my son back - I would gladly switch places with Alex if I only could. Jeff goes to get my son, Adam, and they help me to the bed. All I can do is lay there and cry. Adam stays there with me and rubs my back trying to comfort me. Here I am, his father, lying there like a child. He calls his brother, Aaron, to see when he's coming over. When he arrives he comes to my room. They both make sure I'm alright and tell me I need to eat something. We go downstairs and I have coffee and a piece of left over egg bake and a huge vitamin that Adam and his wife want me to take.
This evening is my family's Christmas . . . it was postponed because Mom got the flu the week before. I don't feel up to going and have decided the stay home.
My son's girlfriend calls and says she has Alex's clothes but can't find his dress shoes so has his work boots or tennis shoes and a few other things we might want to display at the wake. She told me her mom went in the home with her grandparents but wasn't supposed to be there but she told her mom where to look for stuff. Her mom then gets on the phone and gives me directions to her home and says I can pick up Alex's things there. I tell her we'll be there in the afternoon after Jeff gets back from church. I call the funeral home to make sure someone will be there when we drop Alex's clothes off.
When we get to the girlfriends mothers house they let us in the entry to get Alex's things. Her mother then proceeds to tell me about the engagement again and then my son's girlfriend takes out her cell phone and shows me a picture of the rings "they had all but picked up". Now, if I can't afford the rings she shows me, how could Alex? I say nothing but politely say, "Ohhh". The picture she showed me looked like she snapped a photo out of a catalog or it was a picture from the web on her cell phone - it was nothing more.
Again, her mother says how worried she is about her daughter - she hasn't showered or slept or changed clothes since Alex died. She then tells me she's going first thing in the morning to get the things from the police. I'm thinking to myself, you have no right to get any of Alex's things, but I just say, "OK". She tells me Alex pretty much bled out and that the whole bathroom had to be gutted out to the studs . . . the BCA took everything.
My son's girlfriend asks if she can read something she wrote at the funeral and I just say it would need to be approved by the priest.
His girlfriend said she would be coming to our family Christmas even though Alex couldn't make it. She felt she should be there for the both of them. She had an appointment to get her tattoo that afternoon first and then would go the the family Christmas. She helped carry Alex's things out to the truck, we hugged and said see you later and I told her to shower and she would feel better.
Jeff and I dropped the things off at the funeral home. I called my son's mother to tell her what the girlfriends' mother had said about getting the things from the police and she gets angry. I give her the name of a police officer and phone number so she can call.
Well, I didn't plan on going to the family Christmas but I did just to hear my son's girlfriend's story again . . . she never showed up. My son's mother calls and says she may be late for the appointment with the priest in the morning because she is going to be at the police station before the girlfriend's mother.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
January 1, 2011 - Part 2
I got up went upstairs and showered, shaved and dressed for the day. I called the funeral home to start the process. I told them where Alex's body was and then made an appointment to meet with them. I called Alex's mother and siblings go let them know what time we were meeting at the funeral home. Aaron came by the house first; his girlfriend came with. When I called Adam he said he thought they would be here in time but he wanted to know if he could speak at the funeral. It was something he felt he needed to do. I told him it was fine but the priest would need to give the OK. I then asked about pall bearers and wondered if he would consider being one. He said yes, he wanted to. When Aaron arrived I asked him as well and he said he was going to ask anyway, so yes. Both brothers wanted to carry their baby brother to his final resting place.
Now yesterday I had asked by son's girlfriend to put the picture board together as her part for the arrangements. She had only known Alex since April - only 8 months. The had moved in together in October. The twin home was owned by her grandparents and the rent was cheap. I didn't like it but Alex was of age to make his own choices so I didn't say anything although he knew how I felt. I just want my children to be happy as any parent does.
The funeral home called and said Alex's body could be released today so we would now be able to set a date for everything. This was a surprise as the medical examiner had just told me the day before that because of the holiday it would be several days.
After breakfast I went online and checked Facebook --- much to my surprise and shock Alex's girlfriend had changed her status to "engaged". Now my son had several times said he wouldn't get engaged until he was done with school. He was very adamant about this and if he would have gotten engaged I'm sure his mother would have been the first to know as he was very close with her. Now we find out once again on the Internet this surprising news. Needless to say the whole family was shocked as were my son's friends.
We met at the funeral home to make plans. When we got there the funeral director said Alex's body would be there soon and since it was a gunshot he would have to see if Alex's body could be viewed. The medical examiner said it could be but I didn't ask where the wound was so I didn't know for sure.
When Alex's body arrived the funeral director excused himself to go look at the body while we chose the memorial cards, verses, etc. He came back in and said he was viewable and that they were told that under no circumstances were we allowed to have his body cremated because of the ongoing investigation.
After all the arrangements were made we went home. I called family members to let them know the arrangements and then had to call my son's girlfriend and let her know and to get some things of Alex's for the wake and some clothes. She told us that she was not allowed on the property due to a crime scene and she still didn't have her vehicle back from the police. But she would get her grandparents to see if they could be allowed in to get a few things. I told her what I wanted and let her go.
Her mother called me later and said her daughter was gone getting a tattoo in honor of Alex and that her parents needed to get permission to go in and then how her daughter's vehicle was taken and how worried she was about her poor daughter . . . she hadn't slept or showered since Alex died. Her daughter had been up all night deciding whether she should put "engaged" or "windowed" as her Facebook status. Alex had asked her 40 minutes before he died to marry her but she felt since they were living together already it was more like "married". Her daughter has chosen "engaged". Her mother also said that they already had the rings all but picked up and had the songs picked out for the mothers' dance.
Now I can only say that as I heard these things my anxiety levels kept increasing . . . I thought to myself; what was going on? What point was there is saying these things? How can you say these things when my son in not here to verify any of this? What really happened the night my son died?
Her mother told me she would let me know when they got Alex's things for him to wear and we could then pick them up from her house.
I then called to get Alex a grave site. He will be buried right next to his Aunt Deanna. He adored her and had a tattoo on his left shoulder blade in her memorial. I do hope she was there to greet him on the other side.
The food was ordered for the funeral meal and we waited for the priest to call and make an appointment to meet with us to discuss the readings, gospel and prepare the eulogy. He called and set our appointment for Monday morning - the day of the visitation/wake.
The rest of the day I went through the motions of more phone calls from friends and family as well as visits from those offering sympathy. Adam and his wife arrived. I couldn't eat much or sleep and was totally exhausted.
This evening the neighbor's invited us over to visit with some of Alex's friends and to go through some pictures for the wake. They were at Duffs Bar when my son's girlfriend was there the day before telling her story. This time asking if everyone believed her. She even made a point to ask Mrs. neighbor specifically, "you believe me, don't you?" WTF!! Why would you need to ask this question if you are and always have been telling the truth???
This is how I spent my 49th birthday . . . planning my youngest child's funeral.
Now yesterday I had asked by son's girlfriend to put the picture board together as her part for the arrangements. She had only known Alex since April - only 8 months. The had moved in together in October. The twin home was owned by her grandparents and the rent was cheap. I didn't like it but Alex was of age to make his own choices so I didn't say anything although he knew how I felt. I just want my children to be happy as any parent does.
The funeral home called and said Alex's body could be released today so we would now be able to set a date for everything. This was a surprise as the medical examiner had just told me the day before that because of the holiday it would be several days.
After breakfast I went online and checked Facebook --- much to my surprise and shock Alex's girlfriend had changed her status to "engaged". Now my son had several times said he wouldn't get engaged until he was done with school. He was very adamant about this and if he would have gotten engaged I'm sure his mother would have been the first to know as he was very close with her. Now we find out once again on the Internet this surprising news. Needless to say the whole family was shocked as were my son's friends.
We met at the funeral home to make plans. When we got there the funeral director said Alex's body would be there soon and since it was a gunshot he would have to see if Alex's body could be viewed. The medical examiner said it could be but I didn't ask where the wound was so I didn't know for sure.
When Alex's body arrived the funeral director excused himself to go look at the body while we chose the memorial cards, verses, etc. He came back in and said he was viewable and that they were told that under no circumstances were we allowed to have his body cremated because of the ongoing investigation.
After all the arrangements were made we went home. I called family members to let them know the arrangements and then had to call my son's girlfriend and let her know and to get some things of Alex's for the wake and some clothes. She told us that she was not allowed on the property due to a crime scene and she still didn't have her vehicle back from the police. But she would get her grandparents to see if they could be allowed in to get a few things. I told her what I wanted and let her go.
Her mother called me later and said her daughter was gone getting a tattoo in honor of Alex and that her parents needed to get permission to go in and then how her daughter's vehicle was taken and how worried she was about her poor daughter . . . she hadn't slept or showered since Alex died. Her daughter had been up all night deciding whether she should put "engaged" or "windowed" as her Facebook status. Alex had asked her 40 minutes before he died to marry her but she felt since they were living together already it was more like "married". Her daughter has chosen "engaged". Her mother also said that they already had the rings all but picked up and had the songs picked out for the mothers' dance.
Now I can only say that as I heard these things my anxiety levels kept increasing . . . I thought to myself; what was going on? What point was there is saying these things? How can you say these things when my son in not here to verify any of this? What really happened the night my son died?
Her mother told me she would let me know when they got Alex's things for him to wear and we could then pick them up from her house.
I then called to get Alex a grave site. He will be buried right next to his Aunt Deanna. He adored her and had a tattoo on his left shoulder blade in her memorial. I do hope she was there to greet him on the other side.
The food was ordered for the funeral meal and we waited for the priest to call and make an appointment to meet with us to discuss the readings, gospel and prepare the eulogy. He called and set our appointment for Monday morning - the day of the visitation/wake.
The rest of the day I went through the motions of more phone calls from friends and family as well as visits from those offering sympathy. Adam and his wife arrived. I couldn't eat much or sleep and was totally exhausted.
This evening the neighbor's invited us over to visit with some of Alex's friends and to go through some pictures for the wake. They were at Duffs Bar when my son's girlfriend was there the day before telling her story. This time asking if everyone believed her. She even made a point to ask Mrs. neighbor specifically, "you believe me, don't you?" WTF!! Why would you need to ask this question if you are and always have been telling the truth???
This is how I spent my 49th birthday . . . planning my youngest child's funeral.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
January 1, 2011 - Part 1
I couldn't sleep all night. It was about 3:00 a.m. and I got up, put on my robe and went downstairs. I went to the computer and typed a letter to Alex.
My dearest Alex,
As I sit and type this I can barely see the screen in front of me for the tears flow uncontrollably. I miss you so very much and my heart is shattered into a billion pieces.
My mind goes to thoughts of "what if". I cannot change what has happened but know I would give my life in place of yours if I could. I long to hold you and tell you how much you are loved but I can never do that again. My arms are empty and longing for you.
I'm sorry you weren't strong enough to carry whatever burden was weighing you down but know that I would have gladly helped you carry it as would all of us here missing you.
You were such a joy in our lives. I don't know if you really understood how many lives you touched. Your quick wit and humor would always put a smile on faces even when we didn't think we could smile. You were always there willing to help in any way you could with anyone; even without them asking.
You accepted everyone and judged no one. When you loved; you love completely, giving your whole heart and I don't know if many people really understood that. I know this was sometimes hard on you.
You lived your life with such zest. How I admired that about you. You could strike up a conversation with anyone like you had been friends for years. You lived in the present never contemplating the past or thinking about the future.
Well, now your life on earth is completed. It was way to short and now mine is too long. A parent should not have to bury their child for the pain to too great. I pray that I can bare this pain of losing you but I know that one day when my time comes that I will see you again and I also pray that you will be there to welcome me home.
You are greatly loved and missed by all!
Be at peace now my dear son. I love you so much!!!
Dad
When I finished I went into the family room, pulled out the photo albums - I needed to find photos of Alex growing up. As I did all this I was crying and sobbing uncontrollably the whole time. Soon I curled up lying into a ball holding the photos albums using them as a pillow to catch my tears. This was now my only visual of my youngest child, whom I will never humanly see alive again. There I lay for several hours until Jeff came downstairs to see where I was.
My dearest Alex,
As I sit and type this I can barely see the screen in front of me for the tears flow uncontrollably. I miss you so very much and my heart is shattered into a billion pieces.
My mind goes to thoughts of "what if". I cannot change what has happened but know I would give my life in place of yours if I could. I long to hold you and tell you how much you are loved but I can never do that again. My arms are empty and longing for you.
I'm sorry you weren't strong enough to carry whatever burden was weighing you down but know that I would have gladly helped you carry it as would all of us here missing you.
You were such a joy in our lives. I don't know if you really understood how many lives you touched. Your quick wit and humor would always put a smile on faces even when we didn't think we could smile. You were always there willing to help in any way you could with anyone; even without them asking.
You accepted everyone and judged no one. When you loved; you love completely, giving your whole heart and I don't know if many people really understood that. I know this was sometimes hard on you.
You lived your life with such zest. How I admired that about you. You could strike up a conversation with anyone like you had been friends for years. You lived in the present never contemplating the past or thinking about the future.
Well, now your life on earth is completed. It was way to short and now mine is too long. A parent should not have to bury their child for the pain to too great. I pray that I can bare this pain of losing you but I know that one day when my time comes that I will see you again and I also pray that you will be there to welcome me home.
You are greatly loved and missed by all!
Be at peace now my dear son. I love you so much!!!
Dad
When I finished I went into the family room, pulled out the photo albums - I needed to find photos of Alex growing up. As I did all this I was crying and sobbing uncontrollably the whole time. Soon I curled up lying into a ball holding the photos albums using them as a pillow to catch my tears. This was now my only visual of my youngest child, whom I will never humanly see alive again. There I lay for several hours until Jeff came downstairs to see where I was.
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