January 1, 2011 - Part 1

I couldn't sleep all night. It was about 3:00 a.m. and I got up, put on my robe and went downstairs. I went to the computer and typed a letter to Alex.


My dearest Alex,

As I sit and type this I can barely see the screen in front of me for the tears flow uncontrollably. I miss you so very much and my heart is shattered into a billion pieces.

My mind goes to thoughts of "what if". I cannot change what has happened but know I would give my life in place of yours if I could. I long to hold you and tell you how much you are loved but I can never do that again. My arms are empty and longing for you.

I'm sorry you weren't strong enough to carry whatever burden was weighing you down but know that I would have gladly helped you carry it as would all of us here missing you.

You were such a joy in our lives. I don't know if you really understood how many lives you touched. Your quick wit and humor would always put a smile on faces even when we didn't think we could smile. You were always there willing to help in any way you could with anyone; even without them asking.

You accepted everyone and judged no one. When you loved; you love completely, giving your whole heart and I don't know if many people really understood that. I know this was sometimes hard on you.

You lived your life with such zest. How I admired that about you. You could strike up a conversation with anyone like you had been friends for years. You lived in the present never contemplating the past or thinking about the future.

Well, now your life on earth is completed. It was way to short and now mine is too long. A parent should not have to bury their child for the pain to too great. I pray that I can bare this pain of losing you but I know that one day when my time comes that I will see you again and I also pray that you will be there to welcome me home.

You are greatly loved and missed by all!

Be at peace now my dear son. I love you so much!!!

Dad


When I finished I went into the family room, pulled out the photo albums - I needed to find photos of Alex growing up. As I did all this I was crying and sobbing uncontrollably the whole time. Soon I curled up lying into a ball holding the photos albums using them as a pillow to catch my tears. This was now my only visual of my youngest child, whom I will never humanly see alive again. There I lay for several hours until Jeff came downstairs to see where I was.