Tuesday, June 28, 2011

December 31, 2010 - Part 2

Jeff and I go home. As we drive by the neighbors I think to myself, oh my God how do I tell them, they are his second parents. We don't stop . . . I need to tell my eldest son first. When I get home I try calling him again - no answer. I try his wife, get her voicemail and tell her to have my son call home as soon as possible. A few minutes later he calls asking what's wrong? I repeat everything all over again. He starts crying and saying, "No! No! No, not Alex!" I try to get him to calm down and he tells me he and his wife will be here as soon as they can.

I call the neighbor's and leave a message on their answering maching - I don't know how I even said it but know I told them Alex was gone.

The rest of the morning goes by. I know I showered. I don't know if I ate breakfast or what else happened. I do remember that my daughter, her husband and my grandaughter came over and spent the day with us.

The neighbor, my son's second mother, came over and as I met her at the door she was looking at me saying, "It's not true, tell me it's not true." We immediately hug each other and I say, "Yes, it's true", and we just hold each other and cry. She had heard it from her son and didn't get my message. She just came right over to find out if it was really true and that her son saw it posted on facebook by my deceased son's girlfriend and thought it was a cruel joke. Then her husband, Alex's second dad, came to the door already in tears and just hugged me. He was devastated . . . he had heard my answering machine message.

The neighbors are like family in my heart. They love Alex and treated him like a son and he loved them and called them Mom and Dad. Their two sons were considered Alex's younger and little brothers. Alex had even taught their youngest how to ride a bike.

I remember later that morning or early afternoon (time didn't seem to matter at this point. Alex was gone and I was still in shock) the girlfriends mother called me to see if she and her daughter could come over because his girlfriend wanted to see us. However, her mother wouldn't let her drive and the police had taken his girlfriends vehicle. So I said yes that would be fine.

When they got here we hugged and cried and then my deceased son's girlfriend asked if I wanted to know what happened. I said, "I want to know everything. I am his dad."

While still standing in the foyer, the neighbors son came by to cry with us and comfort us. He needed comforting too as Alex was a brother to him. We all went into the family room and sat down. It was me and Jeff, my daughter and her husband and the neighbors son along with my deceased son's girlfriend and her mother.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

December 31, 2010 - Part 1

It's about 6:30 a.m. and I'm lying in bed just half asleep. I hear the doorbell and wake Jeff and say that someone is at the door. We start to get out of bed to put on some clothes and the bell rings again. I go to open the bedroom door and now someone is pounding on the door. I don't turn on any inside lights so I can see who's there before I open the front door. I turn on the outside lights and see two sheriff deputies standing outside. I open the door and one of the deputy's asks if I'm Kevin and I reply yes. They request if they can come in and ask me to sit down. Immediately my heart sinks - I know something is wrong.

Then I hear the words no parent ever wants to hear, "Is Alexander your son? He was found deceased in Woodbury." I'm in shock; I don't know how to respond. I ask, "What? How? Was it a car accident. Is his girlfriend OK?"

The deputy doesn't know any details. He was just dispatched to give me this devastating message. He gives me his card and a note card with a number to call . . . Ramsey County Coroners Office. He tells me he's deeply sorry for my loss and then both deputies leave.

I see Jeff from the corner of my eye but just say, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" and cry. I now have to call Alex's mother and siblings to tell them the worst news possible.

I first call the coroner to find out how Alex died. The woman answered and gave me her condolences and tells me Alex died from what appears to be a single gunshot to the head. I'm in disbelief - a gunshot . . . what? . . . I can't believe what I'm hearing. She tells me due to the holiday it may take a few days before his body will be released. She then gave me a name and phone number for the police officer who was at the scene.

I call the officer and he tells me that it was a gunshot and it happened at the twin home that he was living at. I ask if his girlfriend was involved. He said she was the only one questioned and that there was no one in custody. And that's all that he can say right now. He tells me the girlfriends mother asked them to give me her phone number.

I call her and she tells me Alex shot himself . . . suicide. She's so sorry and feels terrible for her daughter because she found him. I then give the phone to Jeff . . . I cannot speak . . . I sob uncontrollably. I let Jeff finish the conversation.

I pull myself together and pick up the phone and call Alex's mother - I tell her to sit down, that I have some bad news. I then tell her right out because I don't know how else to say it . . . Alex is dead - then silence. I hear, "What? What happened?" I give her the information I've been told. I ask her to call her family and that I will call the children and tell them as well as my family. She says, OK . . . still stunned by my news. I tell her to drive up when she can and to drive safely. I then dial my daughter's number and repeat the news to her.

I call my eldest son; he's in Pennsylvania with his wife visiting for the holidays. I can't get through and leave a message on his voicemail to call me as soon as he gets this message---it's an emergency.

Instead of calling my younger son I decide to go tell him in person since he lives only a mile away. He works the night shift so he would just be getting home. It's probably now around 7:15/7:30 a.m. Jeff drives me. We get there and my son is not home yet. I call him to see where he is. He tells me he's working overtime and won't be off until 10:00 a.m. I ask to talk to his manager. He's not there. I ask my son to see if he can come home now - there's an emergency and that I'll talk to him when he gets home. He gets approval and hangs up. Since he won't be home for about 40 minutes I ask Jeff to take me to my parents' house - I need to tell them in person.

We get there and I ask them both to sit down and then, sobbing, I tell them Alex has died. I tell them what I know. I can't stop crying - my youngest child has died. My mother is crying but trying to contain herself and my father just looks stunned. He doesn't say anything. My mother says she'll call the family and let them know and I thank her because I just can't do it.

Jeff and I then leave to go back to my son's house. We pull in and wait for him to arrive. When he gets there we go into the house and I tell him Alex has died . . . he starts to cry and says he knew something was up because he had gotten a couple of text messages from his cousin and a friend asking if it was true about his brother and how sorry they were.

I'm now reeling - where did they get this news from? Hardly anyone has been told. I find out later that my now deceased son's girlfriend had it posted on Facebook around 7:00 a.m. - before I even got to tell my own immediate family.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

For the Love of Alexander

Who is Alexander, or Alex as he was called? Alex is my son. I use "is" even though he has passed away. I believe in life of the spirit which never dies so "is" is appropriate.

Alex was a blessing to all who knew him on earth and remains so now and always will be. Alex was a very social person who loved life. He made friends so very easily - a trait I always admired in him. He never judged and always made people laugh even at times when they didn't think they could.

I obviously love my son very much as I do all my children . . . four . . . all blessings! Alex was a very tenacious young man. He taught me many things about myself as well as others in his short 22 year life on earth. Yes, he could test your patience from time to time, but who doesn't? I would gladly trade places with him if it were possible. He brought so much joy to everyone around him.

His life on earth tragically ended in the early morning hours on December 31, 2010 . . . the day before my 49th birthday.