January 4, 2011

Tuesday . . . still no sleep.  Today I have to bury my son’s body.  The whole day seems surreal.  It’s almost like some bad nightmare . . . but it’s really happening.  How do I say goodbye forever to my son, my youngest child? 

We get to the church early as we have one hour of visitation prior to the service.  I walk in and see Alex layed out and walk up to him and put my letter under his hands.  Adam asks me to do the same for him and I do. 

Again, so many people, Alex was so loved and no one can believe what happened. 

The girlfriend arrives with her mother and grandmother.  She’s wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt saying something about her “Butthead” and Alex’s initials.  Her mother is also in sweatpants and her grandmother is in leather pants.  She asked if she could walk up with the procession of family and I told her it was fine.  However, she must have chosen not to and went up into the church ahead of time. 

It was now time for the service.  The family looked one last time upon Alex’s face and went to get in line.  I remained behind with my son.  I just couldn’t let them close the lid without me or let him ride up the elevator to the main level alone.  I needed to be with my baby to the end. 

It was a beautiful service.  Father Stan gave a wonderful sermon and after communion Adam read my letter to Alex and then gave an absolutely beautiful eulogy . . . there were very few dry eyes in the church. 

When service was over we took Alex to his grave and said some prayers.  I stayed to watch them lower the casket into the ground.  I was not about to leave until everyone was out of the cemetery.  I needed to be the last. 

We got to the church basement for the meal and Alex’s mother barely got to sit down when the girlfriend and her family came over and asked for their flowers.  Alex’s mother didn’t know which ones and said, “You need to show me which ones”.  I sent Aaron to follow.  The girlfriend also wanted to know where the one with the John Deere tractor was because it was meant for her -  the card read “Girlfriend and Beissel Family”.  There were so many flowers that I instructed the funeral home to bring only immediate family flowers and the girlfriend’s families as I suspected they would want them.  The rest were to be delivered to the house after the funeral and I never told Alex’s mother this.  Well, the girlfriend wanted to know where the plant was with the John Deere tractor and Alex’s mother didn’t know and told her this.  The girlfriend told her to find out and let her know.  Then as soon as they had their flowers they left.

I later found out from the funeral director that the girlfriend wanted him to open the locked card box and give her all the cards meant for her.  He of course told her he couldn’t do that and that she would have to ask the family for them which he said upset her and her family.  He told her it was strict guidelines that cards go to the family only.   

There was plenty of food left over so I invited all of Alex’s mother’s family to the house for supper.  I needed to hear some great stories of Alex.  They all came and we ate and talked.  Even I finally ate today . . . my baby was now laid to rest.

January 3, 2011

Monday.  I still can’t sleep . . . my son is dead.  What the hell happened?  I call the coroner because I want to know where Alex was shot.  I’m told he would have died immediately and not suffered.

I went to the kitchen and remember looking out the window and then I couldn’t move.  I simply fell to the floor.  I don’t remember hitting the floor so I think Adam and Aaron caught me.  I’m not really sure.  I remember tears running down my face . . . that’s all.

We had our appointment with the priest to talk about the funeral.  He had met with the Neighbor’s earlier to learn about Alex and his family.  He also knew that the circumstances around Alex’s death were suspicious and that a mass for suicide didn’t seem appropriate so he would do one for someone who died tragically.  We all agreed.

After the meeting with the priest we went home and didn’t really do anything but wait until it was time for the wake.  Adam asked if he could put a letter to Alex in his casket with him and I said of course, I was as well.  We were all to meet at the funeral home by 3:30 so we could see Alex as a family before open to the public at 4:00.  I had invited the Neighbor’s as family to be there with us.

At about 3:40 we were all finally there and we were taken in to see Alex.  I walked into the room and lost it about 25 feet from him and then walked up to the casket holding my son’s body --- “it’s only a shell” I repeated over to myself several times while I stood there seeing my baby in his physical form without life or spirit in it.  It’s odd, but to me it didn’t seem like him.  Alex was so full of life and energy and now, nothing.  It seemed impossible. 

There were many flowers and plants.  The priest came in and said some prayers with the family. 

The girlfriend arrived and wanted to come in right away as we were already inside.  The funeral director didn’t let her in without checking with us and brought her picture board with to see if we wanted it put up.  The only photos she put in this frame were of her and Alex.  There were 12 to 16 pictures . . . she was in them all with Alex and no one else.  If I hadn’t brought Alex’s photo board from his graduation party and my son's best friend/brother hadn’t put a photo book together there would have been nothing but hers, which would have left the entire family out.  I was in disbelief but expected nothing less of her at this point.  Once the family was ready I had the funeral director let the girlfriend and her mother in.  They walked up to the casket and her mother put her hand on the girlfriends shoulder and her daughter shoved her away and said, “Don’t touch me!”  My family was afraid she would make a scene so I walked up behind the girlfriend and said take the time you need.  She also put two photos of her and Alex with the single yellow rose from her.   

People started coming in and the girlfriend took the first place in line along with her mother --- not surprising.  There were so many people . . . a wonderful testament to Alex for the person he was, loved by all he met in his too short of life. 

At one point the girlfriend was talking to my brother, my sister came up to talk to him and the girlfriend asked who she was.  My brother told her it was his sister, Alex’s aunt.  My son's girlfriend then introduced herself as “Alex’s fiancé 40 minutes before he died.”

My niece offered to put a picture DVD together to show at the wake.  She and her sister came by on Saturday, January 1^st, to get some photos from our album of Alex as a child.  It was a beautiful tribute.

Later, the girlfriend came up to me and told me that when she can she will go through Alex’s things and let me know when I can get them.  That was it . . . I had had enough.  I told her that I would like to come and get everything by the end of the week.  I as Alex’s father needed to finish taking care of his things and get closure and let Alex be at peace.  I was not going to wait a month or more.  She said that she wasn’t even allowed in the place yet so didn’t know how I could even get in.  Well, that morning my son's mother had spoken to a detective and found out that the girlfriends vehicle was not taken by the police and that no one was restricted from the home.  It was released right after the initial findings the 31^st.  It was the girlfriends mother and grandparents who weren’t allowing her in.  I flat out told her that it was a lie that anyone was restricted.  I didn’t say how I knew but only that I did. 

Mr. Neighbor saw that I was getting upset and came over to keep me calm and tried to explain to my son's girlfriend that I had to get closure as soon as I could so Alex could be at peace.  She then told me how unfair it was that she wasn’t in any pictures or the DVD.  I looked at her and said I didn’t put them together and that she was in every picture she brought.  I hadn’t seen the DVD until it was played at the wake.  Mrs. Neighbor come over to me and asked me to go downstairs and I did . . . very upset.

I couldn’t believe how my deceased son's girlfriend and her family were making this all about them.  She had asked all her friends to give cards directly to her and not put them in the bin.  For all I know she probably took some that were meant for us. 

Alex's girlfriend came up behind me later when I was standing by Alex and started talking about how he looked and touched his head.  She then looks at me and says, “Oh, I think I just saw it.”  Meaning, where he had been shot.  I didn’t say anything.  I just looked at her in disbelief.  She then asked to have the two photos of her and Alex put in his casket.  She had written to her “Butthead” on the back of one of them.

It was at the end of the visitation and my family would not leave until the girlfriend and her family were gone.  Then I heard how the girlfriend, her mother and her grandmother had cornered Alex's mother earlier in the evening, how the girlfriend kept telling people that her and Alex were engaged 40 minutes before he died.  She and her family had made it about them.  She had even told my brother that she had even handed Alex his gun that night when he asked where it was. 

I hadn’t heard anything from anyone about him asking for his gun that tragic night.  I couldn’t understand what was going on?!  You see things like this in movies but this was real life . . . this was really happening.  It was all very surreal.

January 2, 2011

It's Sunday. I couldn't sleep but just stayed in bed. I desperately wanted to sleep hoping I would see Alexander in a vision but to no avail. Jeff got up to get ready for church so I got up too, totally drained physically and emotionally. I barely remember showering and getting dressed. The next thing I know I'm lying on the closet floor and Jeff is there asking if I'm alright and very shaken. I can't stop crying and I desperately want my son back - I would gladly switch places with Alex if I only could. Jeff goes to get my son, Adam, and they help me to the bed. All I can do is lay there and cry. Adam stays there with me and rubs my back trying to comfort me. Here I am, his father, lying there like a child. He calls his brother, Aaron, to see when he's coming over. When he arrives he comes to my room. They both make sure I'm alright and tell me I need to eat something. We go downstairs and I have coffee and a piece of left over egg bake and a huge vitamin that Adam and his wife want me to take.

This evening is my family's Christmas . . . it was postponed because Mom got the flu the week before. I don't feel up to going and have decided the stay home.

My son's girlfriend calls and says she has Alex's clothes but can't find his dress shoes so has his work boots or tennis shoes and a few other things we might want to display at the wake. She told me her mom went in the home with her grandparents but wasn't supposed to be there but she told her mom where to look for stuff. Her mom then gets on the phone and gives me directions to her home and says I can pick up Alex's things there. I tell her we'll be there in the afternoon after Jeff gets back from church. I call the funeral home to make sure someone will be there when we drop Alex's clothes off.

When we get to the girlfriends mothers house they let us in the entry to get Alex's things. Her mother then proceeds to tell me about the engagement again and then my son's girlfriend takes out her cell phone and shows me a picture of the rings "they had all but picked up". Now, if I can't afford the rings she shows me, how could Alex? I say nothing but politely say, "Ohhh". The picture she showed me looked like she snapped a photo out of a catalog or it was a picture from the web on her cell phone - it was nothing more.

Again, her mother says how worried she is about her daughter - she hasn't showered or slept or changed clothes since Alex died. She then tells me she's going first thing in the morning to get the things from the police. I'm thinking to myself, you have no right to get any of Alex's things, but I just say, "OK". She tells me Alex pretty much bled out and that the whole bathroom had to be gutted out to the studs . . . the BCA took everything.

My son's girlfriend asks if she can read something she wrote at the funeral and I just say it would need to be approved by the priest.

His girlfriend said she would be coming to our family Christmas even though Alex couldn't make it. She felt she should be there for the both of them. She had an appointment to get her tattoo that afternoon first and then would go the the family Christmas. She helped carry Alex's things out to the truck, we hugged and said see you later and I told her to shower and she would feel better.

Jeff and I dropped the things off at the funeral home. I called my son's mother to tell her what the girlfriends' mother had said about getting the things from the police and she gets angry. I give her the name of a police officer and phone number so she can call.

Well, I didn't plan on going to the family Christmas but I did just to hear my son's girlfriend's story again . . . she never showed up. My son's mother calls and says she may be late for the appointment with the priest in the morning because she is going to be at the police station before the girlfriend's mother.

January 1, 2011 - Part 2

I got up went upstairs and showered, shaved and dressed for the day. I called the funeral home to start the process. I told them where Alex's body was and then made an appointment to meet with them. I called Alex's mother and siblings go let them know what time we were meeting at the funeral home. Aaron came by the house first; his girlfriend came with. When I called Adam he said he thought they would be here in time but he wanted to know if he could speak at the funeral. It was something he felt he needed to do. I told him it was fine but the priest would need to give the OK. I then asked about pall bearers and wondered if he would consider being one. He said yes, he wanted to. When Aaron arrived I asked him as well and he said he was going to ask anyway, so yes. Both brothers wanted to carry their baby brother to his final resting place.

Now yesterday I had asked by son's girlfriend to put the picture board together as her part for the arrangements. She had only known Alex since April - only 8 months. The had moved in together in October. The twin home was owned by her grandparents and the rent was cheap. I didn't like it but Alex was of age to make his own choices so I didn't say anything although he knew how I felt. I just want my children to be happy as any parent does.

The funeral home called and said Alex's body could be released today so we would now be able to set a date for everything. This was a surprise as the medical examiner had just told me the day before that because of the holiday it would be several days.

After breakfast I went online and checked Facebook --- much to my surprise and shock Alex's girlfriend had changed her status to "engaged". Now my son had several times said he wouldn't get engaged until he was done with school. He was very adamant about this and if he would have gotten engaged I'm sure his mother would have been the first to know as he was very close with her. Now we find out once again on the Internet this surprising news. Needless to say the whole family was shocked as were my son's friends.

We met at the funeral home to make plans. When we got there the funeral director said Alex's body would be there soon and since it was a gunshot he would have to see if Alex's body could be viewed. The medical examiner said it could be but I didn't ask where the wound was so I didn't know for sure.

When Alex's body arrived the funeral director excused himself to go look at the body while we chose the memorial cards, verses, etc. He came back in and said he was viewable and that they were told that under no circumstances were we allowed to have his body cremated because of the ongoing investigation.

After all the arrangements were made we went home. I called family members to let them know the arrangements and then had to call my son's girlfriend and let her know and to get some things of Alex's for the wake and some clothes. She told us that she was not allowed on the property due to a crime scene and she still didn't have her vehicle back from the police. But she would get her grandparents to see if they could be allowed in to get a few things. I told her what I wanted and let her go.

Her mother called me later and said her daughter was gone getting a tattoo in honor of Alex and that her parents needed to get permission to go in and then how her daughter's vehicle was taken and how worried she was about her poor daughter . . . she hadn't slept or showered since Alex died. Her daughter had been up all night deciding whether she should put "engaged" or "windowed" as her Facebook status. Alex had asked her 40 minutes before he died to marry her but she felt since they were living together already it was more like "married". Her daughter has chosen "engaged". Her mother also said that they already had the rings all but picked up and had the songs picked out for the mothers' dance.

Now I can only say that as I heard these things my anxiety levels kept increasing . . . I thought to myself; what was going on? What point was there is saying these things? How can you say these things when my son in not here to verify any of this? What really happened the night my son died?

Her mother told me she would let me know when they got Alex's things for him to wear and we could then pick them up from her house.

I then called to get Alex a grave site. He will be buried right next to his Aunt Deanna. He adored her and had a tattoo on his left shoulder blade in her memorial. I do hope she was there to greet him on the other side.

The food was ordered for the funeral meal and we waited for the priest to call and make an appointment to meet with us to discuss the readings, gospel and prepare the eulogy. He called and set our appointment for Monday morning - the day of the visitation/wake.

The rest of the day I went through the motions of more phone calls from friends and family as well as visits from those offering sympathy. Adam and his wife arrived. I couldn't eat much or sleep and was totally exhausted.

This evening the neighbor's invited us over to visit with some of Alex's friends and to go through some pictures for the wake. They were at Duffs Bar when my son's girlfriend was there the day before telling her story. This time asking if everyone believed her. She even made a point to ask Mrs. neighbor specifically, "you believe me, don't you?" WTF!! Why would you need to ask this question if you are and always have been telling the truth???

This is how I spent my 49th birthday . . . planning my youngest child's funeral.

January 1, 2011 - Part 1

I couldn't sleep all night. It was about 3:00 a.m. and I got up, put on my robe and went downstairs. I went to the computer and typed a letter to Alex.


My dearest Alex,

As I sit and type this I can barely see the screen in front of me for the tears flow uncontrollably. I miss you so very much and my heart is shattered into a billion pieces.

My mind goes to thoughts of "what if". I cannot change what has happened but know I would give my life in place of yours if I could. I long to hold you and tell you how much you are loved but I can never do that again. My arms are empty and longing for you.

I'm sorry you weren't strong enough to carry whatever burden was weighing you down but know that I would have gladly helped you carry it as would all of us here missing you.

You were such a joy in our lives. I don't know if you really understood how many lives you touched. Your quick wit and humor would always put a smile on faces even when we didn't think we could smile. You were always there willing to help in any way you could with anyone; even without them asking.

You accepted everyone and judged no one. When you loved; you love completely, giving your whole heart and I don't know if many people really understood that. I know this was sometimes hard on you.

You lived your life with such zest. How I admired that about you. You could strike up a conversation with anyone like you had been friends for years. You lived in the present never contemplating the past or thinking about the future.

Well, now your life on earth is completed. It was way to short and now mine is too long. A parent should not have to bury their child for the pain to too great. I pray that I can bare this pain of losing you but I know that one day when my time comes that I will see you again and I also pray that you will be there to welcome me home.

You are greatly loved and missed by all!

Be at peace now my dear son. I love you so much!!!

Dad


When I finished I went into the family room, pulled out the photo albums - I needed to find photos of Alex growing up. As I did all this I was crying and sobbing uncontrollably the whole time. Soon I curled up lying into a ball holding the photos albums using them as a pillow to catch my tears. This was now my only visual of my youngest child, whom I will never humanly see alive again. There I lay for several hours until Jeff came downstairs to see where I was.

December 31, 2010 - Part 3

The following is the story my son's girlfriend told us.

She was at work the evening of December 30th, 2010 until 9:00 p.m. or so at the Coliseum Bar. Alex went with her as he often did. Alex helped her set up and prep for the next night - New Years Eve. The owner of the bar said to give him a couple of free drinks for helping out. She said he had a couple of beers and then she served him two Captain Morgan Cokes.

One of her friends was there and had a little too much to drink so Alex drove the friends car to her home as it was close by and his girlfriend followed. They spent some time there. Alex had a couple shots of whiskey there.

Alex was hungry and tired and had to work the next morning. Now, the girlfriend said that Alex was drunk at this time and he wanted to go to Perkins Restaurant and eat. They left about 12:30 a.m. or so to go to Perkins. She said Alex fell asleep on the way so she decided to go through the drive-through at McDonald's instead. On the way to McDonald's driving down Highway 55 she said Alex woke up and told her to pull over, he wasn't feeling well . . . which she did. He opened the door got out and spit a few times, got back in and said, "Can we go to Perkins now?" She told him he was too tired and he asked, "Perkins now?" So they went.

They were sitting at Perkins, ordered their meal and Alex fell asleep waiting for the food. His girlfriend woke him and told him she would get the food boxed up and they would take it home and eat it there. Alex went out to the vehicle and waited for her there, falling asleep.

She drove them home and woke Alex when they got there, got him into the house and to the bedroom to get ready for bed. He went to the bathroom and then to the bedroom where his girlfriend was. He shut the door and stood in front of it and then called her, "a fucking bitch." She said she was surprised because he never acted like this before and she couldn't believe it. She then asked Alex why he was being like this and told him she was going to the kitchen to eat. She said he then shoved her and again called her, "a fucking bitch" and told her she wasn't leaving and shoved her a second time knocking over a small table and lamp. She then said she went to the bathroom to take a bath and it would give Alex time to calm down. She shut the bathroom door and then said Alex kicked it in. She then told him she was going for a drive and give him time to calm down.

She left and drove a little ways and called her friend AA to tell her what happened and asked if she could spend the night at her place. This was about 1:30 a.m. that she left home and about 10 minutes or so later went back home to get a few things and let Alex know she would be back in the morning to then take him to work as he had no vehicle to drive.

She parked in the driveway, went in the front door and said it was quiet and she thought maybe Alex fell asleep. She was going to the bedroom and walked by the bathroom seeing Alex lying on the floor with his gun lying on him. He was on his side between the toilet and the bathtub. She said she didn't see a wound but thought he shot himself in the head. She shook his leg to see if he would move and he didn't. She then jumped over him into the bathtub, saw a bullet in the tub and called her friend AA again and asked what to do, she thinks Alex is dead. Her friend told her to call 911, which she then did.

The police asked her to wait outside for them to arrive. She said she then got out of the bathroom and home being very careful not to touch anything because she's watched enough CSI (or some show like it) to know not to mess up any evidence and went outside. She wanted to call me but didn't have my home number.

While his girlfriend told her story her mother had interjected several times, "It was the whiskey. It messes up the mind. It's the whiskey, it's the whiskey."

The police questioned her at the scene and asked her to submit to a gun residue test, which she said pissed her off but she did it. When they took Alex's body away she wanted to run over to him and hit him for doing this.

She said Alex never acted like this before and never talked about killing himself but thought the whiskey changed him. Everything was going great for him . . . her dad was getting him a $20 per hour job, school was going well, there was no reason Alex would have done this other than the whiskey. Her mother then repeated what she said before.

My neighbor's son then said he was going to try getting back with Alex after the first of the year and apologize to him for being angry with him. The girlfriend told my neighbor's son how much Alex missed him and that after the first of the year Alex was going to call him and how she was encouraging him to do so.

Before my son's girlfriend and her mother left, her mother asked me to make sure to include her daughter in all the arrangments. I said I didn't have many pictures of Alex as an adult so I asked his girlfriend to put a picture board together since she had so many pictures of him, which she agreed to do.

December 31, 2010 - Part 2

Jeff and I go home. As we drive by the neighbors I think to myself, oh my God how do I tell them, they are his second parents. We don't stop . . . I need to tell my eldest son first. When I get home I try calling him again - no answer. I try his wife, get her voicemail and tell her to have my son call home as soon as possible. A few minutes later he calls asking what's wrong? I repeat everything all over again. He starts crying and saying, "No! No! No, not Alex!" I try to get him to calm down and he tells me he and his wife will be here as soon as they can.

I call the neighbor's and leave a message on their answering maching - I don't know how I even said it but know I told them Alex was gone.

The rest of the morning goes by. I know I showered. I don't know if I ate breakfast or what else happened. I do remember that my daughter, her husband and my grandaughter came over and spent the day with us.

The neighbor, my son's second mother, came over and as I met her at the door she was looking at me saying, "It's not true, tell me it's not true." We immediately hug each other and I say, "Yes, it's true", and we just hold each other and cry. She had heard it from her son and didn't get my message. She just came right over to find out if it was really true and that her son saw it posted on facebook by my deceased son's girlfriend and thought it was a cruel joke. Then her husband, Alex's second dad, came to the door already in tears and just hugged me. He was devastated . . . he had heard my answering machine message.

The neighbors are like family in my heart. They love Alex and treated him like a son and he loved them and called them Mom and Dad. Their two sons were considered Alex's younger and little brothers. Alex had even taught their youngest how to ride a bike.

I remember later that morning or early afternoon (time didn't seem to matter at this point. Alex was gone and I was still in shock) the girlfriends mother called me to see if she and her daughter could come over because his girlfriend wanted to see us. However, her mother wouldn't let her drive and the police had taken his girlfriends vehicle. So I said yes that would be fine.

When they got here we hugged and cried and then my deceased son's girlfriend asked if I wanted to know what happened. I said, "I want to know everything. I am his dad."

While still standing in the foyer, the neighbors son came by to cry with us and comfort us. He needed comforting too as Alex was a brother to him. We all went into the family room and sat down. It was me and Jeff, my daughter and her husband and the neighbors son along with my deceased son's girlfriend and her mother.