January 7, 2011

Friday . . . it’s about 5:30 a.m.  My eyes are heavy but I still have not slept.  I say some prayers and drift into a half asleep state.   Suddenly I have a vision  . . . I see the figure of what looks like Alex about 20 feet or so from me.  I do not recognize where I am but I look and I say, “Alex, is that you, Alex?”  The silhouetted figure is looking directly at me and suddenly becomes bright as light and I can barely see dots where his eyes, nose and mouth would be.  He realizes that I cannot recognize him and dims his energy and I see my son.  It’s Alex!  The next thing I know we are holding each other and I say, "I love you!" and he says. "I love you" back.  I hold his face in my hands and I ask, “What’s it like?”   He looks at me with such love, honesty and amazement.  He smiles and says, “It’s beautiful!”  We hug again and I ask him, “What happened?”  He mumbles something.  I cannot understand what he says and I ask him to repeat it.  This time I turn my face to try and read his lips as he speaks.  I only hear mumbling once again and ask him to repeat it once more.  He says he has to go and begins to move away and goes down some stairs.  I’m trying to hold on to him . . . I don’t want to let go.  I say to him, "don’t go, don’t go, I love you!"  And then he’s gone. 

I wake up talking in my sleep and wake Jeff and tell him that Alex has finally appeared to me.  I am so grateful for this that I cry while Jeff holds me.   I will always treasure this moment and yearn for more.

I have trouble eating breakfast . . . again, with my thoughts of, “if Alex can’t eat why am I?”   Jeff reminds me that I have 3 other children who love me and that I need to keep up my strength for all the family and friends still here.  I try to eat a little knowing he’s right.

The rest of the day I slowly worked on a few more thank you cards.  So much crying.

The girlfriend sends me a text message:

“Hey, kevin, its [girlfriend]. I was just wanting you to bring a flower arrangement/plant (the john deer with tracker in it from duffs bar) that was meant for me,bring tomorrow along with a few cards that were meant for me at the wake. Thank would be great thank you.”

I send her a message back:

“Which cards?” 

(I had not seen any cards for her in what we received but I did notice some of our cards missing.)

Her text back:

"From my boss and wellsfargo, and marcus, and miller (zetwicks)"

I text her again:

“Who is your boss?”

Her text reply:

“Barb bob taylor Dalton are all going to be in the card or cards from my boss, my aunt kim and rodger, andy and lindsney are from wellsfargo!”

I do not send another response.  I go through every card and plant more than three times.  There is nothing from any of the people she has asked about but I know she will not believe me no matter what.

January 5, 2011

Wednesday . . . no sleep but maybe an hour or two. 

It’s time to get his personal affects from the Medical Examiners.  I called and made the appointment for 11:00.

Jeff drove me.  I walked in feeling shaky and nauseous.  They would not give me his clothes as they are blood stained and felt it would be too traumatic.  I just got what was in his pockets and any jewelry he was wearing.  Those things too are somewhat blood stained. 

I called Alex's mother to let her know I have picked up his things.  I hugged the envelopes as we drove home.  It’s weird - holding onto some things that were the last things close to his body as he took his last breath of life.  My poor dear child . . . gone from earth so young.  My future with him in it and all it contained are no longer possible.  A part of me and my life are now missing forever.  

When I got home I opened the envelopes to see what was in them.  His wallet and all the papers it contained, blood stained.  His knife, keys, license, his mother's credit card which he used to buy a leather Harley coat and never paid her back for, receipts, etc.  His ear gages also in the envelope . . . it would have been nice to have had them before his wake and funeral.  Seeing those bloodied items was very heart-wrenching knowing it was my son’s life drained from his body. 

I could look no more so I put it all away.

The kids all came over in the afternoon.  I now had to somehow get my son’s belongings home to go through it all.  I need to do this to have closure.  I don’t know how I can do this all by myself so my daughter offers to contact the girlfriend and her family to set up a time to do it.  One less thing for me to think about for which I’m very thankful.

The rest of the day was fairly quiet.  I just needed to get addresses and go through all the cards and start writing thank you notes. 

January 6, 2011

The girlfriend tells my daughter her grandparents won’t let her in the place so she’ll have to ask them.  My daughter calls the grandmother and she says she’ll have to think about it and get back to her.  She sends my daughter a message on facebook telling her she will only work with me on this not anyone else:

"[to Alex's sister], with all due respect, and after giving it much thought I have decided to make my communications through Kevin." 

The grandmother also sent me a message on facebook:

"I am sure you know that [your daughter] contacted me today. I did leave her a message telling her that all of my contacts will be through you and you alone.

With all due respect we are not allowing anyone into that property other than you as Alex's father. I totally understand that you need some closure, however with all due repect to [her granddaughter], that townhouse is her's and her's alone as the only name on the rental agreement.

Everything will be available to you as of Saturday morning. The insurance adjuster and the contractor are coming at 3:00 P.M. on Friday.

I am a regular user of facebook so please feel free to contact me here or on my phone. (XXX) XXX-XXXX"

I don’t understand what the hell is going on?  My son paid rent to them to live there and now they do not want to allow us in to get Alex’s things?  Have they no compassion?  I decide to go to the Woodbury police and ask for help.  I talk with an Officer about the situation.  He is aware of the investigation and will facilitate getting Alex’s things. 

He calls the girlfriend and she starts ranting about how she’s not allowed in the property and he’ll have to talk to her grandparents since they are the property owners.  He hangs up and comments that "she’s a piece of work."  He calls the grandmother and there is no answer.  A few minutes later he gets a message to call her at another number.  He says not to say anything so the grandmother doesn’t know we are there.  He explains the situation and gets the grandmother to agree to allow me to pick things up on Saturday, January 8^th at 11:00.  They will only allow me into the garage where they will put everything.  He hangs up and makes a comment about the grandmother having a "god complex."  I explain to the officer that I cannot do this all by myself and will need help from my family.  I also asked how will I know I have everything if they don’t allow me into the home to verify this?  He understands and will see what he can do but as property owners they do not have to allow us in the home.  So now we are set for Saturday.   I call the neighbor's and ask for their help with their trailer but they have to use their Tahoe because I don’t have a hitch.  They are more than happy to help.

My stomach is in knots the rest of the day.  I cannot fathom that this is really happening.  By law I am now the owner of all of Alex’s things and yet they don’t have to let me in to get them.  This makes no sense!!  I try to get my mind off of this by writing some thank you cards.

I have a very hard time eating.  I can only think, my son has not eaten for six days, why am I eating and I begin to cry.   I’m exhausted so I go to bed early and just lay there . . . I cannot sleep.