January 4, 2011

Tuesday . . . still no sleep.  Today I have to bury my son’s body.  The whole day seems surreal.  It’s almost like some bad nightmare . . . but it’s really happening.  How do I say goodbye forever to my son, my youngest child? 

We get to the church early as we have one hour of visitation prior to the service.  I walk in and see Alex layed out and walk up to him and put my letter under his hands.  Adam asks me to do the same for him and I do. 

Again, so many people, Alex was so loved and no one can believe what happened. 

The girlfriend arrives with her mother and grandmother.  She’s wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt saying something about her “Butthead” and Alex’s initials.  Her mother is also in sweatpants and her grandmother is in leather pants.  She asked if she could walk up with the procession of family and I told her it was fine.  However, she must have chosen not to and went up into the church ahead of time. 

It was now time for the service.  The family looked one last time upon Alex’s face and went to get in line.  I remained behind with my son.  I just couldn’t let them close the lid without me or let him ride up the elevator to the main level alone.  I needed to be with my baby to the end. 

It was a beautiful service.  Father Stan gave a wonderful sermon and after communion Adam read my letter to Alex and then gave an absolutely beautiful eulogy . . . there were very few dry eyes in the church. 

When service was over we took Alex to his grave and said some prayers.  I stayed to watch them lower the casket into the ground.  I was not about to leave until everyone was out of the cemetery.  I needed to be the last. 

We got to the church basement for the meal and Alex’s mother barely got to sit down when the girlfriend and her family came over and asked for their flowers.  Alex’s mother didn’t know which ones and said, “You need to show me which ones”.  I sent Aaron to follow.  The girlfriend also wanted to know where the one with the John Deere tractor was because it was meant for her -  the card read “Girlfriend and Beissel Family”.  There were so many flowers that I instructed the funeral home to bring only immediate family flowers and the girlfriend’s families as I suspected they would want them.  The rest were to be delivered to the house after the funeral and I never told Alex’s mother this.  Well, the girlfriend wanted to know where the plant was with the John Deere tractor and Alex’s mother didn’t know and told her this.  The girlfriend told her to find out and let her know.  Then as soon as they had their flowers they left.

I later found out from the funeral director that the girlfriend wanted him to open the locked card box and give her all the cards meant for her.  He of course told her he couldn’t do that and that she would have to ask the family for them which he said upset her and her family.  He told her it was strict guidelines that cards go to the family only.   

There was plenty of food left over so I invited all of Alex’s mother’s family to the house for supper.  I needed to hear some great stories of Alex.  They all came and we ate and talked.  Even I finally ate today . . . my baby was now laid to rest.

January 3, 2011

Monday.  I still can’t sleep . . . my son is dead.  What the hell happened?  I call the coroner because I want to know where Alex was shot.  I’m told he would have died immediately and not suffered.

I went to the kitchen and remember looking out the window and then I couldn’t move.  I simply fell to the floor.  I don’t remember hitting the floor so I think Adam and Aaron caught me.  I’m not really sure.  I remember tears running down my face . . . that’s all.

We had our appointment with the priest to talk about the funeral.  He had met with the Neighbor’s earlier to learn about Alex and his family.  He also knew that the circumstances around Alex’s death were suspicious and that a mass for suicide didn’t seem appropriate so he would do one for someone who died tragically.  We all agreed.

After the meeting with the priest we went home and didn’t really do anything but wait until it was time for the wake.  Adam asked if he could put a letter to Alex in his casket with him and I said of course, I was as well.  We were all to meet at the funeral home by 3:30 so we could see Alex as a family before open to the public at 4:00.  I had invited the Neighbor’s as family to be there with us.

At about 3:40 we were all finally there and we were taken in to see Alex.  I walked into the room and lost it about 25 feet from him and then walked up to the casket holding my son’s body --- “it’s only a shell” I repeated over to myself several times while I stood there seeing my baby in his physical form without life or spirit in it.  It’s odd, but to me it didn’t seem like him.  Alex was so full of life and energy and now, nothing.  It seemed impossible. 

There were many flowers and plants.  The priest came in and said some prayers with the family. 

The girlfriend arrived and wanted to come in right away as we were already inside.  The funeral director didn’t let her in without checking with us and brought her picture board with to see if we wanted it put up.  The only photos she put in this frame were of her and Alex.  There were 12 to 16 pictures . . . she was in them all with Alex and no one else.  If I hadn’t brought Alex’s photo board from his graduation party and my son's best friend/brother hadn’t put a photo book together there would have been nothing but hers, which would have left the entire family out.  I was in disbelief but expected nothing less of her at this point.  Once the family was ready I had the funeral director let the girlfriend and her mother in.  They walked up to the casket and her mother put her hand on the girlfriends shoulder and her daughter shoved her away and said, “Don’t touch me!”  My family was afraid she would make a scene so I walked up behind the girlfriend and said take the time you need.  She also put two photos of her and Alex with the single yellow rose from her.   

People started coming in and the girlfriend took the first place in line along with her mother --- not surprising.  There were so many people . . . a wonderful testament to Alex for the person he was, loved by all he met in his too short of life. 

At one point the girlfriend was talking to my brother, my sister came up to talk to him and the girlfriend asked who she was.  My brother told her it was his sister, Alex’s aunt.  My son's girlfriend then introduced herself as “Alex’s fiancé 40 minutes before he died.”

My niece offered to put a picture DVD together to show at the wake.  She and her sister came by on Saturday, January 1^st, to get some photos from our album of Alex as a child.  It was a beautiful tribute.

Later, the girlfriend came up to me and told me that when she can she will go through Alex’s things and let me know when I can get them.  That was it . . . I had had enough.  I told her that I would like to come and get everything by the end of the week.  I as Alex’s father needed to finish taking care of his things and get closure and let Alex be at peace.  I was not going to wait a month or more.  She said that she wasn’t even allowed in the place yet so didn’t know how I could even get in.  Well, that morning my son's mother had spoken to a detective and found out that the girlfriends vehicle was not taken by the police and that no one was restricted from the home.  It was released right after the initial findings the 31^st.  It was the girlfriends mother and grandparents who weren’t allowing her in.  I flat out told her that it was a lie that anyone was restricted.  I didn’t say how I knew but only that I did. 

Mr. Neighbor saw that I was getting upset and came over to keep me calm and tried to explain to my son's girlfriend that I had to get closure as soon as I could so Alex could be at peace.  She then told me how unfair it was that she wasn’t in any pictures or the DVD.  I looked at her and said I didn’t put them together and that she was in every picture she brought.  I hadn’t seen the DVD until it was played at the wake.  Mrs. Neighbor come over to me and asked me to go downstairs and I did . . . very upset.

I couldn’t believe how my deceased son's girlfriend and her family were making this all about them.  She had asked all her friends to give cards directly to her and not put them in the bin.  For all I know she probably took some that were meant for us. 

Alex's girlfriend came up behind me later when I was standing by Alex and started talking about how he looked and touched his head.  She then looks at me and says, “Oh, I think I just saw it.”  Meaning, where he had been shot.  I didn’t say anything.  I just looked at her in disbelief.  She then asked to have the two photos of her and Alex put in his casket.  She had written to her “Butthead” on the back of one of them.

It was at the end of the visitation and my family would not leave until the girlfriend and her family were gone.  Then I heard how the girlfriend, her mother and her grandmother had cornered Alex's mother earlier in the evening, how the girlfriend kept telling people that her and Alex were engaged 40 minutes before he died.  She and her family had made it about them.  She had even told my brother that she had even handed Alex his gun that night when he asked where it was. 

I hadn’t heard anything from anyone about him asking for his gun that tragic night.  I couldn’t understand what was going on?!  You see things like this in movies but this was real life . . . this was really happening.  It was all very surreal.